n. the study of pots.
Christopher Columbus
Christopher Columbus is famous for not discovering the New World. He was trying to find a new route to the Indies but he didn’t discover that either. This is not unexpected for a cheesemonger, but for Columbus there was a world of money to be made out of more than just cheese.
From how some people talk, he was the last to know about America. The Vikings might have been there already, yes, and maybe the Celts, and even the Chinese if you can believe that. And there is the small issue of some squatters who had been hanging around for some time beforehand. But it was Columbus who brought widespread attention and exploitation of the Americas and their peoples, which should count for something.
It’s untrue that people before Columbus thought the Earth was flat. Since the days of the early Greeks, mathematics had proven otherwise. Columbus had been taught math, too, he just hadn’t understood it, underestimating the size of the Earth by almost a half. Columbus’ plan to sail across the Atlantic to Asia was duly rejected by all kings having competent scientific advisors. This continued until Ferdinand and Isabella of Spain. Realizing that the plan nonetheless risked the lives of neither monarch, they freed up the cash for Columbus’ expected suicide.
So in 1492 Christopher Columbus sailed west with his ships the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. On October 12th, Columbus sighted the island of Guanahani, which he named San Salvador instead. He marvelled at the peaceful natives, whom he was, to his credit, the first to mistake for Indians. Columbus packed a great deal of these into the boats for the return voyage, due to the high rate of spoilage overseas.
Transporting a diminished number of natives to Spain would be the high point of Columbus’ career. His forts wouldn’t stay put, his colonists complained of the lack of promised wealth, and there was the little matter of denying the conversion of the natives due to a rule against enslaving Christians. His governorship was so well received that he was placed in chains (and his brothers too, for good measure). Up to his death, the Spanish monarchs debated granting Columbus their agreed terms fro the voyage on the grounds of his unexpected survival.
Some people say that we shouldn’t hold up Christopher Columbus as a hero, as he only shows that you can get as far on dumb luck as you can on genuine skill and intelligence. I don’t know. Amerigo Vespucchi got two continents named after him for doing absolutely nothing, so there may be something to it.
Leonardo da Vinci
Leonardo da Vinci was born in Italy in 1452. Many people think “da Vinci” it is his last name but it only refers to the home of Leonardo’s father, Piero. Leonardo was born out of wedlock after Piero’s tryst with a peasant girl, and this information is valuable in such cases. Piero was supportive of young Leonardo’s talent, taking only the money from his son’s efforts and none of the credit.
Leonardo began his first unfinished commission in 1478. While he is most famous for his paintings, we only have fifteen of them. This is because he was a Renaissance Man, which means that if you asked him to paint more masterpieces, he would just laugh at you and go back to drawing helicopters that wouldn’t work. His sketch of “The Vitruvian Man” demonstrates that the proportions of a human being follow certain mathematical principles if you squish him out a bit. People wonder why he did odd things like write his notes backwards. It was to avoid real work. The Mona Lisa’s mysterious smile probably had a hydraulic pump somewhere behind it.
Much fuss has been made about Leonardo having no close relationships with women. This is wrong. He had one. And why should he, anyway? He seemed to have all he needed in his pupils Salai and Melzi, and we should keep in mind that the three of them were acquitted of all charges, eventually. (Salai, or “the Little Devil,” would later go on to paint a nude version of the Mona Lisa. Such was Leonardo’s legacy.)
Leonardo was passed around between Medicis, Borgias, and the like, beginning many projects for all of them, before settling down in his old age in the care of François I. The King of France is said to have held Leonardo in his arms as Leonardo died in 1519. This may seem unusual, but anyone who has lost a pet will understand. It never gets easier.
The life of Leonardo ad Vinci shows how far you can get on a little talent and less effort.
American Civics: A Summary
The United States government is actually controlled by a secret cabal of elected representatives.
Ashoka
Ashoka was an Indian emperor known for embracing Buddhism and non-violence, eventually. Born in 304 BC, he was called “He Who Regards Everyone Amiably” due to his expansionist military campaigns. After regarding 100 000 civilians to death in the Battle of Kalinga, Ashoka found some personal time to execute his brother. Maharani, his brother’s wife and a Buddhist, was upset by this. She gave Ashoka an earful about the morality of killing living beings, particularly when those beings included her husband. And wouldn’t you know it, Ashoka started to feel guilty about all the things he’d done. He felt so sorry that he insisted Maharani move in with him. Isn’t that nice?
With the help of his new lady-friend, Ashoka became the first Buddhist ruler and instituted a strict policy of non-violence. He didn’t return any of the lands he’d conquered in his less non-violent days, though. That wouldn’t bring anyone back. You may ask how Ashoka solved the problem of maintaining an empire without the use of force. Well, wherever it looked like there might be trouble, Ashoka moved his army. He didn’t tell them to hurt anybody, but he didn’t tell them not to, either. If somebody provoked a band of bored soldiers, the blame could hardly be put on poor Ashoka.
Ashoka had many monuments built to tell passers-by how nice he was. On them he boasted that no animals were killed for his kitchen except deer and two kinds of peacock. He said was going to get rid of those, too, as soon as they stopped being delicious. He was so dedicated to protecting animals (except the deer and peacocks) that he banned Hindu sacrifices in the capital. He is praised for promoting religious tolerance because the Hindus didn’t overthrow his Buddhist dynasty until after he’d died in 232 BC. They didn’t want an army relaxing on their doorsteps.
Ashoka’s life is an example of how great it is to renounce violence, as long as you’ve already got everything you want and aren’t hungry.
Religions of Medieval South India: A Summary
Interactions between religious traditions in South India may have been less acrimonious than scholarship has previously assumed. Historical evidence indicates that worshippers of the Hindu god Shiva, for instance, probably did not actually impale scores of Jain monks on stakes, and instead merely talked about it as often as possible. This indicates that “a positive and productive encounter” was occurring in this region during the medieval period.
Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan is known for killing lots of people as he ran about conquering things. This is a bit unfair. Plenty of people were killing each other in those days. Genghis was just better at it.
Genghis was born Temujin, which means “blacksmith” in 1160s Mongolian. He later changed it to Genghis Khan, which means “true emperor,” just on a whim. His father, Yesukhei, was a minor tribal chief and vassal who barely killed anybody. Genghis knew he could improve on that.
Yesukhei ended his career by being poisoned by Tartars. Genghis’ family was forced to survive on marmots, but Genghis never gave up his dream of uniting the Mongolian tribes. He achieved this through a complex strategy of alliance-building and murdering anyone who wouldn’t build an alliance with him.
Genghis Khan’s armies were distinguished by their discipline. This came from a desire not to be killed by Genghis Khan. Genghis would personally lead armies of up to 200 000 Mongols to kill anyone who looked at him funny, as well as their families, neighbours, countrymen, and surrounding flora and fauna. He would occasionally try to lighten things up by pouring molten silver into the orifices of various heads of state. Sometimes the old jokes are the best ones.
It was in this way that the Mongols slaughtered their way into the largest empire achieved by man. (The British claim to have slaughtered themselves into a bigger one. I’ve yet to see the proof.) Genghis’ empire stretched across central Asia from China to Georgia. Europeans weren’t big on central Asia at the time. They didn’t know about Genghis until he left a horde of Mongols smiling at them from across the Black Sea.
Reports the cause of Genghis Khan’s death in 1227 vary from falling off a horse, to pneumonia, to a booby-trapped princess. It’s possible he was just all killed out. I like to think he died happy.
I’m afraid later Khans didn’t measure up to Genghis’ standards. Ogedei Khan tried to eliminate the population of Europe but failed due to his death. Guyuk Khan drank and had fun and got no killing done whatsoever. He had no work ethic. Toregene spent most of her time being a woman.
The only other Khan of any note was Kublai. Kublai Khan tried to conquer Japan and Vietnam but didn’t. He finally realized he didn’t fit the job requirements of a Mongolian Khan and became a Chinese emperor instead. Kublai Khan is probably only remembered because of a Coleridge poem that wasn’t really about him, and which got his name wrong besides.
Genghis is proof that to be a memorable Khan you have to love a job that largely involves killing untold numbers of human beings. You are just wasting your time otherwise.
Hannibal
Hannibal is famous for two things: elephants, and not winning a war. Hannibal was born in Carthage in 247 BC. Carthage and Rome were natural enemies, due to being neighbours with only the Mediterranean to separate them. Hannibal’s father Hamilcar was a Carthaginian general and undoubtedly the source of Hannibal’s elephant fetish. Hamilcar thought that a war without elephants wasn’t a war worth winning, and proved it by losing the First Punic War with Rome. Things were going all right until the conflict shifted to the sea, and it proved difficult to convince elephants to serve in the navy.
After Hamilcar suffered an elephant-related death in 228 BC, Hannibal took up the family tradition. He decided that if taking elephants across the sea to Rome could lose one war, than taking them across the mountains to Rome could lose another. Hannibal brought 46 000 men and thirty-seven elephants to the Alps, but lost half of the men and most of the elephants crossing them. He still had a few of the animals, though, and that kept his spirits up.
Hannibal was quite successful in his early battles in Italy, and kept finding more elephants. Some argued that he was winning despite the elephants and not because of them. The elephants tended to panic and trample their own side during battle, and the critics pointed out that he won more often when they weren’t underfoot. Hannibal would have none of it, though.
Historians say that Hannibal could well have marched into Rome itself and won the Second Punic War right there. They puzzle over why he marched around the countryside for eleven years instead, knocking over farms and small fortresses. It’s simple: the inevitable happened, and Hannibal had run out of elephants. He was lost without them, and was hoping that a few more would turn up somewhere. Hannibal kept on hoping until the Romans got their wind back and pushed him into the sea in 203 BC. This is why Hannibal has gone down in Western military history as “the father of strategy.”
After the war, Hannibal mainly drifted around Asia Minor. He made an act of trying to drum up another war to lose against Rome, but you could tell his heart wasn’t in it. Hannibal committed suicide in 183 BC. He could lose all the wars in the world, but there was an elephant-shaped hole in his life that he just couldn’t fill.
The moral of this story is that you shouldn’t let elephants determine your self-worth. You are the same person whether you have elephants or not.
